Seeing a woman shoot a ping-pong ball out of her who-ha has always been a secret dream of mine. Not as an exploitative sort of thing, but more out of a curiosity for human nature. That's why I'm in Bangkok--sex capital of Asia. Land of smiles. Land of really unique strip clubs. When in Bangkok, one must sojourn to Pat Pong Road. It's strip bar street. It must be done! It's like going to Disneyland and not seeing Mickey Mouse. It must be done. I soon discovered these establishments are not mere "strip clubs" by western standards. No! Bangkok strippers don't merely shake it for the locals. That's right buddy! These are athletes--athletes who use their "women's equipment" in ways I've never seen before.

For scientific purposes, my buddy Jon and I decide to investigate the world of Bangkok strip clubs. Not as sleazy patrons, but as cultural anthropologists. A study of humans in their natural environment. Humans, who, I am told, do very strange things with ping-pong balls.

Strip Bar Street
Outside the clubs, pushy, pesky Thai men badger the passing crowd to get them inside to see "the goods."

Artwork © Thad Lawrence

Through doorways, I see dozens of women onstage in their underwear, swaying to ZZ Top Songs. Thai prostitutes abound like funny handshakes at a Masonic lodge. Men are being pulled through the streets by teenage hookers. Next to me, a big shady pimp with a broken nose is trying to arrange a deal for two very young and scared-looking English blokes. An old white guy has two 14-year old Thai girls on each arm. I try to find good in everyone. Maybe this man is in Bangkok visiting his family's beloved foreign exchange students? Or maybe it's a two-for-one offer? Though some hookers are good-looking and kinda sexy, there are three good reasons preventing me from soliciting them. And that's AIDS! AIDS! AIDS!

Let the games begin.
We lumber by a fine establishment, which is called Super Pussy. "Come inside! Come!" insists the pesky barker. He hands me a menu of events. An interesting list, indeed. I look at the entries. I'm confused.

"What is this-the Pussy Bird Show?"
"Yes! Yes! Inside!"
"No, I mean I don't understand."
"Yes! Yes! Inside!"
"OK, then, what about this one-Pussy Writing Show?"
"Yes! Yes! Inside! Inside!"
Follow the words

Infiltrating America's Most Beautiful Baby Contest Waiting for the Crash