The final pageant event is called the "Baby Sleepwear" category. Children parade in front of adults in their pajamas. This is wrong on many levels. It's a pedophile's wet dream. I'm stuck with the image of Michael Jackson sitting cross-legged, as a celebrity judge. I feel bad for humanity just witnessing this.
When it's time to give the awards, almost all the contestants are sleeping, crying or knocking things over. It smells bad too. It occurs to me, this is the only contest where every contestant will end up shitting in their pants. And that's rare these days.
"Praise the Lord for all these beautiful babies! You are all very blessed!"
With her heavily Christian attitude, I expect the Jewish babies condemned to eternal baby damnation.
The winner is announced. I can hardly contain myself. Who will be the cutest baby? Will it be Colin? Will it be Colin??
And it's, it's, it's.....Colin! It's a Colin dynasty Hurray! I knew I could predict Baby Contest winners. He's presented with a royal septor and cape. Colin is the best baby!
I'm disappointed he doesn't give a bitter acceptance speech.
"All you other babies are just a big bunch of baby-losers, you big babies. I want my mommy NOW!"
I go to interview Colin, but he's surrounded by his entourage. A mean older relative gives me a look, "Colin won't be givin' interviews!"
The MC closes the event.
"May God be with you on your way home!"
I leave, feeling bad about my fellow humans. I need to run home and wash my eyes out with soap. It will be a long time before I want to see anything resembling "cute". nth
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